We have a heartbeat!

Just a little update. Sorry it has taken forever! I went last wednesday and the doctor did an ultrasound and there was a baby with a heart rate of 150. I was so happy but I know I am not out of the woods yet. Considering what happened last time, I am scheduled to go in next Wednesday to make sure the baby is growing and on track. After that appointment, hopefully I can feel a little better! Thanks everyone for your love, prayers, and words of encouragement :) I will keep everyone posted. Whether it is good or bad.

Rainbow baby

I have been thinking about writing this post for a really long time but I just have not been ready. Its been quite a year for our family and honestly I am ready for the year to be over and start fresh. I hope good things come in 2011. As the end of month approaches I cannot help but think that next month I would of given birth to a beautiful baby. In May, I announced on facebook that Devin and I were expecting our third baby and we were so excited! I had never had any pregnancy complications before and had been blessed with 2 beautiful boys already. What could go wrong? One night I had been bleeding just a little. Enough to scare Devin and I to go to the hospital. We dropped our boys off at a great friend of ours and headed there. There was almost no one in the waiting room but of course they move slower than dirt. The ultrasound tech was on call and lived almost 2 hours away. When she finally did arrive she took me back, ALONE, and had me lay down and said she was going to check the baby. My heart was racing and I wanted my husband to be by my side so bad so we could take whatever came at us together. She immediately turned the screen towards me and showed me our little gummy bear. Heart was beating away at 130 bpm. She went and got Devin so he could see what I was seeing. The baby was measuring around 6 weeks 4 days. I was so relieved and was told to take it easy for a couple of days. We picked up the boys and showed them that we saw their brother or sister and Jackson was so excited but also didn't want Trenton to be replaced because he said over and over again that he already has a brother. A little over two weeks went by with no complications. I had another ultrasound scheduled for June 30Th before the E.R. visit. I called to see if they wanted to cancel it but she said no and to go ahead and come in. Devin was going to be out in the field and wasn't able to be there but I was excited to see the baby again, even if i had to go alone. I went to the appointment and it seemed like an eternity before I was finally called back. I was 9 weeks now and I knew I could probably see more than just a blob on the screen. The tech was quiet and she was moving around hard and asked me if i already had children and if I ever had any complications? I thought that was odd but I answered and asked if everything was OK. She called in someone else and they called another doctor and told me there was a problem and I needed to go upstairs. I held it together and gave a gentle nod and said OK. I tried Devin a million times on his phone but he had no service. I went upstairs to the OB and sat alone and thought of everything that could be wrong. The doctor finally came in and said the words that I was so very afraid to hear. The baby's heart stopped beating at 8 weeks 2 days. I broke down in tears. She was so loving and kind and gave me a moment to take to myself and grieve before we talked about our options. All I could think about is that my baby had a healthy heart beat two weeks ago! This is not possible. Once you see a heart beat the chance for miscarriage goes down to 3%! How could I be that 3%? We discussed our options but I wanted to talk to my husband before I made any choices. I picked up my boys and hid my tears and went home. I tried Devin for almost 3 hours. Out of the blue he called me on someone elses phone on top of the hill and asked if everything was OK. I could barely speak the words that he needed to hear, when I did he said, "I will be right home." I was so grateful that his commander was so incredibly understanding and got Devin home as fast as he could. That night we grieved as husband and wife. He was my rock. He helped me heal and I helped him. We went in the next day and chose the medical intervention option. I did not want to get a D&C but I wanted to heal and get it over with as soon as I could. The procedure was done and we were sent home. When we got home we sat Jackson down after the hospital and told him what had happened. All he said was,"The baby was in heaven now and told Devin and I that it was going to be OK." Those words from my innocent 4 year old at the time was such a eye opener. He was right, we will get through this and the baby is with Heavenly Father and Jesus. My body took awhile to heal as well as my heart. Devin and I were debating a lot if we were going to try again right away or if we were going to wait until after he deploys to try. We tried for a couple months. In October we were pregnant again. The baby came and went. It was what a doctor calls a chemical pregnancy. Devastated again and wondering what is going on with my body? Questioning if its my fault or even wondering if its my husband fault. I knew that these things take time and that it is nobody fault. We came home to visit before Devin left for Afghanistan. He and I wanted to try one more time. Devin left November 24Th and I found out we are pregnant again on November 26th! I have had terrible morning, noon and night sickness and I am exhausted. I am 7 weeks now and I have my first doctors appointment on Wednesday. I am going to be praying my guts out for this baby to stick and be healthy. I need my Rainbow baby. For those who don't know what a rainbow baby is, it is a baby after a loss. The calm after the storm. I will never be able to remain calm until that baby is in my arms. Boy or Girl, doesn't matter. Just as long as it is healthy. We are trying not to be as excited but we cant help it. We want this baby. This baby will never replace our Angel baby, but I do think it will help us heal along the way. I want to end with this beautiful poem someone special shared with me, that gave me comfort during the difficult time and it is a fresh reminder of the bigger picture.

I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one

Is this Louisiana?

Never did I ever think I would be living in Louisiana. When we got the orders to Fort Polk, all I could find online was horror stories about how there is nothing to do and in the middle of nowhere. Granted it is in the middle of nowhere and the closest Target is almost 2 hours away :(, I relized that in reality it really doesnt matter where we are, as long as we are together. Devin leaves on Saturday for two weeks for advanced IED training in Alabama. I couldnt believe they are taking him already, but what can I do? Gotta roll with the punches! Trenton is growing up and is officially a toddler! He gives kisses now and waves bye bye, but we are still waiting for those first steps. Jackson is growing up so fast and is still obsessed with Transformers. He just mastered his ABC'S and can point them out in words. I can already tell this summer is probably going to be the worst summer we have ever been in. The temperature is only 80 but it feels like 120 with the humidity. Jackson is starting MMA May 1st and Swim lessons May 8th. He is sooo excited and is very anxious to get in the pool again. As for me, I am adjusting to living on post. It is very different and my Military ID is more important than my Drivers License. They are opening a new PX at the end of the month.(Thank goodness because this one is the size of a shoebox!) You know you child is becoming a military brat when he tells family that he has to go to the commisary and asks what the grocery store is. I will try to post every week and keep everyone updated!!